Have friends and family ever told you that you should write a book? This has happened to me more times than I can count. I am not sure if that should make me feel good or bad about my life. Probably horrified. However, it’s true. I should write it down, I should put this wicked wild life into words – for me, for my girls, and for all of us.
None of us goes thru life unaffected, stress and drama free. Some of us seem to have more than our share of bullshit to handle. And it’s hard when that is the case – life is not fair. I have been telling my 3 children that since before they were even able to understand what that meant. It is so true. Life is hard and it is not fair.
One of my favorite cartoons ever is Calvin & Hobbes and my favorite strip of all is when the little boy, Calvin, is told that life is unfair and he responds, “But why is it never unfair in my favor?” That is one that I struggle with a lot. And I am certain that it sometimes is fair in my favor. I am so grateful for all the good in my life: I have 2 wonderful parents, an amazing brother, good friends and 3 brilliant and kind daughters. I have been loved by a few amazing, complicated men. I have had some stellar jobs and career experiences, I have traveled a bit and lived all over the country. I have also experienced a lot of hard stuff: I was adopted as a baby – which is a huge blessing in my life but has presented its own set of emotional issues. I was bullied as a child and that impacted me for life. I was in a relationship with a wonderful man for 15 years who was an alcoholic – a lot of that time in recovery, but all of that time a difficult personality. I have become a widow and an only parent of 2 girls in an instant, and have lived thru deep, complicated grief. I managed the pregnancy of my third daughter on my own after my husband died. I have been flat broke, unemployed and fired. 2 of my girls have significant learning differences and another has suffered with anxiety and depression.
I have struggled with finding my way as an only parent and a suddenly single woman these past 10 years – and I have come up empty again and again. I have also come up a winner at times, and at times my bucket is overflowing with kindness and love from my tribe. But it has been a struggle – every damn day. I have found my way through by searching for the light inside of myself and by simply putting one foot in front of the other, one minute at a time. I don’t know what I’m doing – its a shit show most of the time.
I think I need to share the experiences of my life because I know that they are often shared experiences and because they are all of our experiences. And also because it’s some wild stuff. The more we can understand each others journeys, the more we can appreciate each other and find the strength to move thru the bullshit and get to the good shit. I want to write to get it all out of me and try to make some sense of it all. So I am going to write and I am going to delve deep into my life and my heart. If you care to read what I write, please keep reading. If you do not, completely OK. If you feel like sharing with others, via social media or email, that would be excellent too. I hope to hear from those who read this blog and find pieces that resonate with them. I have been told to write the same way that I talk – which can sometimes be colorful and swearful. If you are easily offended, read it anyway. Thanks to all of you for the encouragement and the support you give to me and to my girls. I am blessed beyond measure – even when I am saying, “What the fuck?” for the two hundredth time.