Grief is such a sneaky bastard. It really is. You can be rolling along, living your life, eating avocado toast and then all of a sudden – BAM. Out of nowhere you get slammed to the ground by this thing. Hard. So many different things can trigger it that it is impossible to predict. Often times, the things that you are sure will be difficult are not and the things that you never thought would shake you, bring you to your knees. I never knew St. Patrick’s Day and the 4th of July would be such difficult days for me – but my wedding anniversary is a walk in the park. Smells, sounds, the grocery store – it’s ridiculous.
I have been struggling with this a lot lately and it’s because I am grieving new things – so guess what? New grief triggers old grief so it’s one big, sad, shit show. So weird! It is actually really frustrating because I am a rational woman that is usually pretty well in touch with her emotions and regulating them is not too difficult for me. But dammit if I don’t feel out of control with this. There are places that I simply cannot even drive by, and if I do, I’m a mess. And the worst part is, I am often unsure if I am sad about what I think I am sad about or is it something else entirely. Is this confusing to you? Yeah, well it is to me too.
Music is one of the biggest triggers for me. Music is so evocative and such a soundtrack to life; it’s inherently a piece of our story. I find that the past few months have either been spent immersed in the songs and artists that are so meaningful, or I am skipping song after song, waiting for one that I can listen to that doesn’t have any memories attached to it and doesn’t make me sad. There are certain artists that I simply cannot listen to that I love. It’s been rough on Spotify – they don’t know WHAT to give me any more on my Daily Mix.
It’s getting better, I am moving through it and I am feeling good. But as I say, this thing is cunning. When you are least expecting it, expect it. Then ride that mother out – you’ll come out on the other side eventually and it will be OK. It will.