I talked with a friend on the phone last night that I have not talked to in a few years. She said to me, “You really seem like you’ve got it going on, got it all together.”
I adore you Sarah. It was so good to catch up and I am glad I was able to clear that up for you – my sh*t is so not together. I suppose this past year I have been more together than I have been in recent years. But these past few months have been some of the hardest in my life – and that’s saying something.
In the space of 3 weeks, two really hard things happened in my life. A man that I loved so much and thought I’d spend the rest of my life with broke up with me. Then while I was reeling from that, I was unjustly and brutally fired from a job that I adored and was really good at. Yup. Really. I sh*t you not. I spent the summer alternating between crying and drinking. It has been unbelievably difficult and both of these things have caused me to really take a hard look at myself, to reflect on what went wrong. I have floated in and out of self-doubt, hatred, anger, sadness, deep anxiety, fear, helplessness, isolation and rejection. Throw in a dash of crazy just for fun and I have been a real party. My poor children – they have been so wonderful and supportive and they have let the crazy slide (for the most part). I broke out all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanisms. Would you believe me if I told you that I started smoking, after not having smoked in 20 years? Of course you would. Yeah, that was one of the many ways that I coped. I have since stopped but it was quite helpful and I loved it – every minute of it. I do not endorse smoking cigarettes for anyone and at first I attempted to hide it from my kids. But then I thought, I am 47 years old – and it’s not a healthy thing for them to see, but I would rather be honest with them then hide in the shadows. I was embarrassed to tell my therapist that I was smoking but she got it and shared that it was a very empowering and self-soothing activity. And she told me to not do it for long. I love her.
I spent a lot of time alone this summer, in the sun, on my back patio, thinking. Just thinking and thinking. Over and over through my mind, not just the recent events that were so hard to process, but also the past ten years. I did a lot of “Really? REALLY????” which seems to be a frequent one for me. Also a lot of WTF’s, peppered with other creative swear words. I still don’t get it – how my life could look so completely different today than it did 4 months ago. After all these years and all the struggles and difficulty, feeling confident and really good was foreign to me but I was learning how to sit with it and enjoy life without always being afraid. I was really, really happy, and secure in a way I haven’t felt in years – possibly ever. And then the bottom fell out. How could it be true? How can this have happened? I just couldn’t t believe it. I still can’t.
But you know what? I may never believe it, never get it. And that’s OK. It doesn’t really matter, all the why’s and how’s. Not now. Having more knowledge won’t fix any of it and all of the why’s and how’s require a hell of a lot of emotional energy. Energy that is better put towards being good to myself and living my life – looking forward not back. I am done with being sad (for the most part) and I am done with moping, drinking (well…), smoking and woe-is-me-ing. It had its place, served its purpose, and now I am focused on finding my way back and using all that has happened and all the emotions to energize me to work on me. Looking at what I want out of life and planning for it and making it happen. Living with true intention. This still looks like a hot mess most days but these are the thoughts that are in my head and my heart now and that feels good – learning more about myself and what I want, and what I don’t, every day. I have learned so many lessons in my life, so many that I never wanted to learn, but they all have a purpose. I don’t know what the hell it is yet but I am confident in that. A brilliant and strong friend has told me that once I commit to finding myself and wanting to grow into my higher purpose, life begins to take shape. She also told me to love myself and be Bad Ass. So that’s what I am doing. Being Bad Ass is my favorite.